The Bad Ally - Why we all get it wrong!

Allyship is a choice.

A concerted effort, an intentional decision, an act!

But is there such a thing as a bad ally?

I have been familiar with the word allyship for over a decade, both in my work, at my jobs and in my personal life and career.

I have stood up and called out leaders for staying silent, not challenging or not taking action, and I have proudly stood with allies who have made space for my voice and leadership.

The word ally can be used as a verb, meaning "to join forces with". For example, you might ally with influential people to advance your career. The word ally can also refer to people who support other disenfranchised and minority communities… For years, I have always been clear on the definition, not the action.

I remember when I was called to be an ally, and it felt uncomfortable and out of my hands. You see, allyship isn't about being seen, it isn't just about attending events, it is ultimately about ‘Empathy’ and action.

Empathy? Yep! Allyship is the ability to put yourself in others' shoes, feel discomfort, and act.

A few years ago, I was asked to sit on a panel during the International Day of Persons with Disabilities (IDPD). I was asked to join as an ally to discuss the importance of disability in the workplace. At the time, disability wasn't spoken about much, and although I believed that everyone should have equality in the workplace, I didn't feel best placed to call myself an ally.

At first, I declined the invitation and suggested someone else better placed to join the conversation, but after a few minutes, my conscience appeared, and I called back and accepted

The co-chairs were delighted and said, ‘It's great to have you as an ally’

An ally? Was I an ally?

What does that mean? For days, it bothered me, am I a true ally? Will they see straight through me? Am I a fraud? You see, to me, allyship has always meant action! You must actively do something within and for that community to truly call yourself an ally!

For days, I asked myself what I was worried about! At the time, I didn't want to look performative and disingenuous…Over the years, as I have coached several executive leaders on inclusive leadership, the main worries and challenges they cite with being an ally or sponsor were:

1. Fear of Saying the Wrong Thing - Many allies worry they’ll use the wrong terminology or unintentionally offend someone. That fear of “getting it wrong” often leads to silence instead of learning. My Counsel: Mistakes are part of the process. Allyship isn’t about perfection but intention, humility, and willingness to learn and grow.

2. Fear of Overstepping or Taking Up Space - Some leaders fear that by speaking up, they’ll centre themselves instead of the community they’re trying to support. My Counsel: True allyship is about using your platform to amplify others, not replace them. It’s not about being the voice but passing the mic.

3. Fear of being seen as performative - People worry others will question their motives or think they only show up because it’s trendy or expected. My Counsel: Authenticity shows up over time. People will recognise your sincerity if your actions are consistent, thoughtful, and grounded in learning.

4. Fear of being called out or criticised. There’s a real fear of backlash, especially on public platforms. Some worry that doing the right thing will open them up to being challenged or corrected. My Counsel: Being called in is part of the journey. Feedback helps you become a stronger ally. The goal isn’t to be comfortable, it’s to be committed.

5. Fear of not knowing enough to speak up. People often wait until they feel “qualified” to say something, researching endlessly without entering the conversation. My Counsel: You don’t have to be an expert to advocate for equity. You must care enough to start, listen deeply, and stay curious.

Allyship develops and deepens over time; the more you pour into yourself as a leader and Ally, the more you can sit and learn in the discomfort.

Fast forward many years, and I've crystallised what it truly means to be an ally:

Power | Position | Privilege

Anyone can be an ally, call themselves an ally, and attend events..

But can you use your privilege? Can you pull a chair up to the table and use your power? Can you make things happen through your position? The 3Ps to Allship is a theoretical framework I created in 2021 (more on this later) that explores the importance of action within allyship.

Privilege | Power | Position |

It digs deep into human behaviour and bias to understand what it takes to be an ally. So, are you a bad ally if you don't use your Privilege, Power and Position? Of course not, but you are probably just being a lovely human instead of an ally.

In case you're wondering what I did to prepare for my Disability panel as an ally, I did these four things-

1. Read Disability Visibly by Alice Wong, amongst other books
2. Read research papers and articles on disability in the workplace- went back to basics and reviewed the 2010 Equality Act-
3. Joined the ERG and asked questions
4. But the real learning came when my own life was impacted, when my family was impacted by disability awareness, and I suddenly had to protect my daughter from the disability discrimination, the barriers, the stares, the whispers. There is no better way to learn when you must live in those shoes daily…It was then that my allyship was activated, and I saw the barriers, the disadvantage and the injustice in the world…

This is why empathy has to be at the core of allyship. Until you can envision someone else's lived experiences, validate their feelings and fears, and empathise with them, you can’t truly be an ally to their causes.

 For those Who Want to Be Better Allies, remember to ask yourself:

Representation & Visibility: whose contributions have been overlooked in my industry or workplace? How can I help amplify their voices?

Workplace Equity: What barriers do underrepresented communities face in my organisation regarding leadership, pay equity, or career advancement? What role can I play in breaking those barriers?

Inclusive Leadership: Do I actively advocate for the diverse voices and perspectives in meetings, decision-making, and policy changes?

Mentorship & Sponsorship: Am I mentoring or sponsoring anyone in my network who doesn’t look like me? How can I use my influence to open doors for them?

Intersectionality: How do race, socioeconomic status, disability, and other factors impact women's experiences in my workplace? Am I considering those layers in my allyship?

Listening and Learning: When did I last ask someone different from me about their experiences and listen?

Taking Action: How can I use my Power, Position and privilege to drive long-term commitments and change?

These questions aren’t just in preparation for an event. They’re a starting point for year-round inclusion because real change happens when awareness leads to action. We can all be better allies, but true allyship is about the act, the intention and the ability to have empathy and compassion for others.

There is no such thing as a bad ally. The mere fact that someone calls themselves an ally indicates they acknowledge the need to offer support and solidarity; in most cases, they don't know how to act.

We can all make a difference; it just takes intention and action!